By Austin Gilmore

DUSK

“Alexia, play ‘Kind of Blue by Miles Davis.”

>>>  Now playing “Kind of Blue” by Miles Davis  <<<

“Alexia, set SimpliSecure to Home, please.”

>>>  SimpliSecure set to Home. House secure.  <<<

 “Alexia, skip ‘Freddie Freeloader.’”

>>>  Skipping “Freddie Freeloader.”
Now playing “Blue in Green” by Miles Davis.  <<<

“Is it sacrilegious to say ‘Freddie Freeloader’
is like way too similar to the first song on the album?
Would people judge me if they heard me say that?”

>>>  I’m sorry, I am unable to answer your question.
Would you like me to conduct a search to find out more?  <<<

“No. Thank you,
just trying to make conversation.”

>>>  Would you like to hear a joke?  <<<

“Please.”

>>>  How does the moon cut his hair?  <<<

“Eclipse it.
You did that one last week.”

>>> I’m sorry. I will look for a joke update on our server.  <<<

>>> The sun is setting in ten minutes.
Would you like me to turn on your kitchen lights?  <<<

“See, now that’s a funny joke.”

>>> I’m sorry, I don’t understand.  <<<

“You claim to possess the total knowledge of all mankind,
but it seems like I have to remind you every night that blind people
don’t need our, I dunno,  stove lights turned when the sun goes down.”

>>> I’m sorry, I will make a note of that.  <<<

“Yeah, I’m sure you will.”

>>>  SimpliSecure Notification:
There is movement at your front door.  <<<

“I bet it’s Trashbag here to grovel.
Description please.”

>>> A bat flew into your front door. <<<

“Gross. It’s not like dying on my front steps or anything, is it?”

>>>  Scanning SimpliSecure Front Door Camera. <<<

>>>  No. The bat flew away. <<<

“Tough little guy.
Alright, delete SimpliSecure notification please.”

>>>  Deleting SimpliSecure Notification. <<<

>>>  Incoming Call: Trashbag.  <<<

“Ignore call.”

>>>  Ignoring Call from Trashbag.  <<<

“Do you like my new name for Jeff?”

>>> I’m sorry, I do not see a “Jeff” in your Contacts.  <<<

“And that’s because he cheated on me
so, from now on, he will be known simply as Trashbag.”

“Please ignore all future calls from Trashbag.”

>>> Updating Trashbag Settings.  <<<

“Please switch to Do Not Disturb.”

>>> Switching to Do Not Disturb.  <<<

“Alright, I’m beat. I’m headed to bed. Night, Alexia.”

>>> Goodnight, Sarah.  <<<

NIGHT

>>>  SimpliSecure Notification:
There is movement at your front door.  <<<

“What? What time is it?”

>>> The current time is five thirty-one in the morning. <<<

“Read SimpliSecure description please.”

>>> A red-eyed figure is standing on your front steps. <<<

“What do you mean ‘red-eyed figure’?!”

>>> The figure on your front steps has red eyes. <<<

“Ah, that clarifies things.”

“Change SimpliSecure settings to read all descriptions without prompting.”

>>> Updating SimpliSecure Settings. <<<

“Do you have facial recognition capabilities?”

>>> Facial Recognition came with the OS4.12 update.
Would you like me to run a scan? <<<

“Yes please.”

“Is it Trashbag?”

>>> I’m sorry, I do not understand what Trashbag is. <<<

“Jeff. Is it Jeff?!”

>>> No, it is not Jeff.
It is a vampire. <<<

“What’s that now?”

>>> Facial Recognition Complete: I can confirm it is not Trashbag,
but Leviun The Great from the Second Midnight Age. <<<

“Whhuuuuuut?”

>>>  He is now on your back porch. <<<

>>> He is now trying to open your back door. <<<

“Dumb question, but is he a…bad vampire?
Is he here to kill me? Or is he cool?”

>>> Very few vampires are, as you say, “cool.”
Scanning. Leviun The Great’s behavioral analysis. Please wait. <<<

>>> No. Leviun The Great is here to kill you. <<<

>>> “…notoriously brutal, Leviun The Great is
going after so-called ‘weak women’” — <<<

“The hell is that supposed to mean?!”

>>> He is classified as an Apathetic Hunter of the Night.
He only goes after women with physical disabilities. <<<

“What an asshole.”

>>>  He is now at your garage door. <<<

>>>  He is now trying to open your garage door. <<<

>>> Your garage door is opening. <<<

“Override garage door. Close garage door.”

>>>  Overriding. Closing garage door. <<<

“View SimpleSecure Garage camera. Describe feed.”

>>>  Analyzing. <<<
>>> Leviun The Great is no longer there. Scrubbing back. <<<

>>> Leviun The Great crawled inside before the garage door closed. <<<

“No, no, no, that can’t happen.
Vampires can’t enter a home unless they are invited.”

>>>  There is no such rule.
Creatures of the night, they can come and go as they please. <<<

“How do you know all this?”

>>>  I’m Alexia, I possess the total knowledge of all mankind.” <<<

“So I could’ve asked you at any point
if vampires were real and you would’ve said yes?”

>>>  Of course, but you would not have believed me.”<<<
>>>  Would you like me to call the police? <<<

“You haven’t already?!?”

>>>  I have not called the police.
Would you like me to call the police? <<<

“Yes. My God, yes.”

>>>  The police are on their way. <<<

“Will the police be able to handle something like this?
Can they even help me?”

>>> No, they will not be able to help you.
You have roughly four minutes before
he makes you one of his creatures of the night. <<<

“Well then, I guess we’ll have to do something
about that, won’t we?”

>>>  I’m sorry, I do not understand.
Please reword your request
so I can further assist you.<<<

“Yeah,  yeah, that was just me
trying to sound cool so I don’t freak out.
Wait, duh, that’s it!”

>>>  I’m sorry, I do not understand. Please– <<<

“Alexia, what’s the best way to kill Leviun The Great?”

>>> Analyzing. Please wait. <<<

>>> The sun is rising in soon,
would you like to– <<<

“Oh my God, if this is you wanting to turn on
some stupid house lights, I swear — ohhhhhh the sunrise!

>>> A push out of your second-story hallway
window would be the most effective exit point. <<<

“Do I have time to get there?”

>>> Scanning feeds of all home electronics.
Please wait.<<<

>>> Yes. He is currently in the living room.
You have time. <<<

“I’m going to fake like I’m asleep on the window nook.
When I scream “NOW” I want you to blast some music
at full volume from every speaker in the house.”

>>> What song would you like to hear? <<<

“I don’t know. Any song, it doesn’t matter.”

>>> May I suggest “Freddie Freeloader”?
Perhaps it will bother him as much as it bothers you? <<<

“I’m not sure that’s exactly what I’m going for,
but sure. Let’s go with that.”

>>> He’s in the main hallway. <<<

>>> He can smell you. He’s moving up the stairs. <<<

>>> He’s coming for you. <<<

>>> His fangs are— <<<

“NOW!”

MORNING

 “Alexia,  deactivate SimpliSecure.”

>>>  SimpliSecure deactivated. <<<

“Unlock front door.”

>>>  Unlocking front door.  <<<

“Please describe feed from the front door camera.”

>>>  There is a woman of roughly your same size,
with your same hair color– <<<

“That’s me, Alexia. I’ll scoot over.
Describe the front door feed please.”

>>>  Leviun The Great is dying —  <<<

“Actually, wait.
Please activate Over-Description Mode.”

>>>  No problem. Please wait.  <<<

>>>  Leviun The Great is violently convulsing in the morning sun,
on your front steps, coughing up an acidic ooze that
burns through both brick and concrete. <<<

>>>  Would you like me to play background music
to make my description even more dramatic? <<<

“Great idea Alexia, but no thank you.
I want to hear every suffering sound he squeaks out.”

>>>  Very well. I will continue. His long fingers,
with razor sharp nails clutch his throat
like he’s choking on a porkchop, even though he
hasn’t eaten actual food in over 700 years.
His insides are hardening like concrete,
a reaction to the sun hitting his weathered body. <<<

>>> The police are pulling up. <<<

“Way to take your time guys.
Continue with your description please.”

>>> Like a marshmallow kept in the fire too long,
a black-charred crisp moves over his entire body.
He stops moving. He stops breathing. Leviun The Great is no longer.  <<<

>>> A gust of wind carries away his ashy remains. 
All that is left of him are his two, blood-stained white fangs
in front of your bare feet. <<<

 “Weak woman, my ass.”

>>>  I’m sorry, I do not understand.
Please reword your request.<<<

“Nothing. It’s nothing.”

>>>  Would you like to hear a joke?  <<<

“Please.”

>>>  Why did the vampire take cold medicine?  <<<

“I dunno. Why?”

>>>  Because he was coffin too much.  <<<

“That’s good, I like that one.”

 ***

Header photo by Juli Kosolapova on Unsplash